My Misadventures in Unadventurous Singapore

I seem to have a very eventful life in Singapore. It seems to me that I am being showed around every possible wrong turn in this otherwise boring city.

• What would happen to you if you could not get into the career you've spent many years to build?
• What would happen if your house agent is not truthful?
  What should you do if you lose your work visa on the day before you are to go out to another country for a holiday?
• What would happen if you accidentally lose all your travel documents, certificates and important papers in an MRT train?
• What would happen should your employer forget to renew your work visa?
• What will happen if you become sick in a foreign land?
• What woulld happen if you suddenly find yourself LONELY in a foreign land?

I do not want to bore you with the answers but YES, I do know the answers. I think I found out how life is for a foreigner in Singapore the hard way. I am nonetheless grateful that in all of them, I learned and was not conquered.

I am inclined to believe that, despite the fact that I still do not have a solid plan to go back to the Philipppines for good, Singapore was not very kind to me. However, I also know that all of the experiences I had here has something to do with what is in stored for me.

Now, some good points.

• I have always lived in beautiful houses in Singapore and always with wonderful people.
• I have always been working and have not found myself without money or without work.
• My relationships changed here...it showed me the true status of what part people play in my life - REALLY.
• I find that I have become closer to God here and more free to engage in the different activities of my organization and church.
• I learned to cook, to be careful of my speech in the presence of others and to live with other people apart from family.

I know that there are a lot more... and a lot of mishaps as well... that I just laugh about now. I am one clumsy, thoughtless, careless person...and GOD has been very good to me!

Sadness

I have written about "Happiness" at least twice before and I tell you this is far fewer than what I would have intended. I am generally a seeker of happiness and is easily made happy by the simplest of things, e.g. the tip tap of the rain on my window when I wake up on a weekend, the smell of grass, the casual greeting from a friend, a small gesture of kindness, a nice formation of clouds in the sky.

However, the reason for my hiatus from blogging this past month was because of an almost unfamiliar feeling that enveloped my being... loneliness. If you read my blog, you'd know from previous posts why.

I woke up one morning to a news I did not like to hear (but would nonetheless survive) and BOOM! I was free falling to the abyss of gloom.

I was crying unceasingly. I was deeply hurt, in the heart - the kind of hurt that I thought was just being described figuratively , felt quite literal (cuts like a knife). I was often hard of breathing and simply could not lift my chin up. I was not in the mood to even pretend to be happy...my eyes would always give me away. I simply could not be cheerful. Suddenly, I was so afraid of the sky getting all gloomy for that Saturday rain. I felt it would worsen my already sordid mood. I was afraid of the dark, of being alone, of having nothing to do. However, I did not find brightness in light, company in friends and I was so lethargic to bring myself to do anything besides moping around and finding more and more reasons to be SAD.

Although unfamiliar and obviously destructive, I allowed my life to halt and dive. The circumstances were conducive to sadness as I was on holiday, had nothing to do and had no one to please. I explored the feeling amidst the fear of not being able to bounce back from it. I wrote poems after poems, article after article, letter after letter. That was all I did, write. I found writing as my solace in that dark avenue of hurt, struggle and uncertainty. I did not publish them because as I wrote on one of my poems ..." when I look back to this day, I would know that it was not me." Up till then, I refused to accept that I am SAD. I'd rather say that I went through sadness.

Now, this is done and dealt with and so I begin writing again. I discovered that much of my sadness came not from the "sad" part of my present reality but on the "fear" of what it holds for me as a consequence in the future, or sometimes the "regret" of my loss, or the "shame" of impression it will make on me. I guess what I am saying is that the "sad" part was never an isolated feeling...nor is it a feeling apart from my own selfish intentions. I tried to deny it in the beginning, camouflaging my intentions under the cloak of noble intentions...although it may be a part of it, the even larger part is simply because it will affect my ego.

Indeed, pride is the devil's greatest weapon. And as a friend said, the devil himself is sad and it gives him much joy to find us sad as well. Misery loves company.

I am moved to include in this article a quotation from one of my friends in Facebook... "Sadness is not measured by the tears you shed but by the number of smiles you faked". How succinct.

Trio

We were an odd trio.

To begin with, we are a perfect combination for disaster. One perfectionist, one carefree soul, one worry wart. To top it all, we are all hot headed.

Aside from that, we could not be any more different. As foods, Jheng would be a steak, I would be a spaghetti, and Elise would be a dessert. In dressing up, Jheng would be corporate, ELise would be chic and trendy, I would be casual and not care at all how I look. In travelling, I would be the planner (always listing down iteneraries, bookings and even help numbers ahead of time), Jheng would be the on-site manager (the one making sure we did everything we committed to do, make sure we don't leave anything in the hotel room) and Elise would be the one enjoying the stroll and not aggrevate the blaming game when things go wrong.

As a trio, we did not have a very smooth start. A lot of crying and blaming and anger enveloped our first year. However, as the stir pass, the air became clear and we were off to our adventures together.

In Manila, we would see each other every so often. Sometimes only me and Jheng, sometimes, the three of us. But here in SIngapore, we were given the chance to live together, and become even closer together. There were times we would tease each other saying what we'd do to each other when we are already old and gray. How we would put ointments on each other, remind each other of our vitamins, etc. Of course we would pray that at least one of us would get married and have children. I once told Jheng (as she is the only one getting suitors) to get married and I will be her child's tita and I will spoil her children as I am spoiling her right now (or so I thought).

I joined Elise and Jheng in Singapore last September 07 and they cannot be any more supportive of my job search than they did. Living in our Sengkang home, in the beginning, exposed how differently we would handle problems. After a rough start in that house, we began to settle in, form rules, and try to keep to our duties as best we can. But it is not as mechanical as it sounds. Jheng being the most "malambing" in the house and the obvious link between me and Elise made the house our home. Our Sengkang home was witness to the most caring, warm and devoted friendship possible between three women. We were not always sweet, we could give each other scorching looks and a taste of sharp hurtful words when we are expressing our differing opinions or are simply short of patience. But we would always make up and forget all about it like nothing happened. We went to places together, throw parties together, go to the grocery together, eat together, watch t.v. together and simply have a great time knowing that each would just be there when you call.

As it happens, the past 2 years was a blissful preparation to the past 2 weeks...sadly, it looks like we will nonetheless fail.

The home crumbled with every empty seat on the table, every irritated comment, every nagging worry, every advise ignored, every unheaded plead for attention and warmth.

I guess, our lives together will soon come to an end. However, to my two friends, I write...

Thank you for being my pillar in the past two years. I have been a victim of self-doubt many times but the two of you who have seen me in my better days were there to remind me of the strength I have within. Thank you for teaching me that fighting with each other does not mean friendships end. Thank you for teaching me that adult friendship could be playful and carefree and responsible all at the same time. Thank you for playing "bahay-bahayan" with me here in Sengkang... you made me see the beauty of taking care of each other unconditionally.

I will always remember how money is important because of our expenses. I will always remember that making time for each other is always possible if you work on it because you always made time for me and I for you. I will always remember how to be sensitive to the needs of others because we shared spaces. I will always remember that friends could be family too because we were.

If plans push through, there won't be much difference in my scenario but then again...we will not be the trio we were. I will sorely miss all the good times...and yes even the bad. I will miss our home.

Of course I would be even happier if we pass this test...but I cannot deny the fact that it would have come sooner or later anyway... we only wished it won't.

Some Memories from home

Conquering Davao...From Islands to Highlands!

It was four days of adventure like I never thought I would have again after my series of "Rayuma" and "P's". It's great to be alive.

We arrived in Davao last Wednesday (June 24) and was picked up and sent to a hotel by my cousin Kuya Pip. After visiting Tito Esting, Tita Lourdes and Tita Poleng, my companions and I (Jheng and Elise) thought we are still set to hit the road. But all went blank after we hit the bed!

The next day we hit the road early, having our breakfast on our way (Mcdo drive thru) to get to the Davao Marina Wharf on time (7:30) to catch our ferry to Pearl Farm. The resort is a sight to behold but you know it has had its better days. The staff are accommodating and always pleasant to interact with. However, our desperate efforts to find the famous marine life around the resort ended in disappointment. In fainess, it was picture perfect and the food were really excellent. Maybe the dessert table needs some improvement but ... well, it was still a thumbs up for me.

We ended the day buying pearls in Aldevinco from which we found some real steals, dinner in Yahong, and coffee in Jack's Ridge.

Third day was the highlight - Wild Water Rafting. I thought it would be a straineous activity but as it turned out...it was mostly relaxing as we traverse the calmer waters in our three hour rafting through Davao river. The sights were refreshing and the company was good.... no make that great!

After rafting, we went to spend the night in Paradise resort. We had a spanish dinner coupled with spanish songs rendered by the resort singing trio. After a few drinks and a stroll along the beach, we called it a day and were sound a sleep very soon after.

Our last day was spent half day in the beach, half day in the mountain. We went to Eden at 10:30 a.m. and ate our heart out as soon as we arrived in Eden...as in we literally charged to get plates shortly after our entrance.

Our good driver Leo sent us to get our free zip line ride at Zip city after Eden. It was short and sweet.... it was a suitable ending to our adventure trip.

Patience

I am a very impatient person and I often find myself rudely interrupting, or making snide comments or making a face. So childish. I just could not control or escape some "character" defects I have and often I find myself in deep remorse. Mostly because, actually, I judged wrongly, understood things inaccurately or was just too impatient to find in my heart to understand and be considerate.

At other times, I am caught off guard without a witty, smart tirade to respond to a nasty comment that I find myself listlessly cooking things up that I should have said or I should have done...but was too late.

You guessed it right. Just now, I realized I am doomed either way. Either I'm remorseful or regretful. What a place to be, huh?

Being impatient is just one example. When I am greedy and selfish, I feel sorry for being that. At other times, I rebel and say "No, I deserve that! I should have that! I should have gotten more, etc". Regretful, Remorseful. I have loads of baggages.

One time, while at prayer, I asked God why He decided to make me when He already knows the many sins I will commit in my lifetime. Is He hoping against hope that I would actually make the respectable decision at the moment of choice? How much patience does He have for me? Will it be enough until I get this right? I asked Him fervently. At the same time asking forgiveness for sins that makes me squirm...and then telling Him I love Him though I don't know how. And He said, "It is for these moments of conversation, of union, of prayer that I made you." Then I realized, in part, why I am here... why I need to struggle...harder... although I may not live to see the day when I'm neither remorseful or regretful, I should try. I should ask help. I should bring to His feet my longing to end this vicious cycle. If only for that...I would have earned my keep.

Longer days...

Yet I find that there is hardly any time left for the many things I'd like to do. Ok, ok. I admit they are not so important anyway...petty things like painting, cooking, blogging, updating my profiles and pictures, contacting a friend, reading a book, booking a holiday (which i recently found time to do by the way) or simply lying down on my bed. Come to think of it, for the last item on that list, I seem to not do it more out of choice these days as the cushion amplifies the already hot weather.

But I do find time to do two of my favorite things... that I will keep to my self for now. They keep me sane these days.

I have not been writing...as I said before, I find it hard to write when there are so many things on my mind. Anyway, update...

Since I got well, I went straight to work and have been working with no leave till now. I find it more relaxed working now because of my new teacher. I enjoyed working with Nora but we are both always tensed. This time, we are just relaxed and somehow more forgiving of our outputs given the pace we allow ourselves to be in. The children are the same...naughty and lovable. More so now that we got to know each other more.

We are also not spared from the threat of losing our work because of the financial crisis happening all over the globe. This makes me even more grateful that i still have to wake up every morning really early to get to work. I could not imagine myself otherwise. The other option would be bleak. Thank God for work!!!

I am also always comforted spiritually by the actual graces I receive everyday...I do not want to back slide again...ever! This is just a comfortable state to be in and I could not imagine my life disconnected as I was many months back. I know on my own this would be a hard conviction to stand by...nonetheless, I am praying for strength.

Recently as well, I was offered a teaching job in Jakarta but had to revoke it due to the instability of peace and economy elsewhere. It is not stable here but I believe Singapore has more protection than others economically. I know the susceptibility from external pressures and disturbances are all there but for now, I choose to stay here. For now.

I went to the Philippines to close the healing session with my faith healer last April and thank goodness I now can eat meat and am freed from all the limitations of the healing sessions. I am however still experiencing some itchiness here and there but not the same as before and I can see that my skin easily recuperates after a few ointment applications.

Here are some pictures of that little R&R



I was back in Singapore on the day of my birthday and was back at work the next day. How could I not love this job that gives me at least four vacations every year!

I will be going back to the Philippines again on June 24 for a side trip in Davao and June 27 in Manila. Will stay only for a week in Manila though.

Yeah, yeah... I can almost hear you saying..."is that what you do in bad times? travel?" Well, I am guilty of that ...don't rub it in! Promise, last travel for the year na!

My opening lines reminded me of this quotation / poem so I thought I'd look it up and post. For reflection...

Paradox of our Times
"We have bigger houses but smaller families;
more conveniences, but less time;
more knowledge, but less judgement;
more experts, but more problems;
more medicines, but less healthiness;
We've been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour.
We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever,
but have less communication;
We have become long on quantity, but short on quality.
These are times of fast foods but slow digestion;
Tall man but short character;
Steep profits but shallow relationships.
It's a time when there is much in the window, but nothing in the room."

-Tenzin Gyatso

Long Silence

Today

It is amazing how, as I was waiting for my ordeal to end (psoriasis, remember?), I totally forgot all about it and life just happened...and life became better.

I now have all the signs / scars of my latest attack but my skin feels like a baby's! I have read similar verses in the bible and I just could not help but marvel on how God has provided me the grace to get through what just happened. But really, his faithfulness has never failed me...ever!

Nowadays, I wake up, catch a glimpse of my hand, obviously battered but totally smooth. I take a bath and enjoy the smooth touch of my skin and even feel liberated that now, I can take short showers because I need not be careful with my skin. Most enjoyable is my ability now to NOT sweep my floor for a week without burying myself with scales. What a journey!!!!

Joy

I recently discovered painting and found myself enjoying it a lot!! It was not long for me to realize that life for me became really simple here in Singapore. Cooking, singing, painting, and recently, even baking. Simplicity is bliss!








I paint only happy scenes, I realized. With my drawing abilities limited to trees and leaves, the result of these paintings are most surprising indeed.





I also realized that as I draw, I find meaning in the figures I am able to bring out. Or was I justifying my drawings! Ahhahaha! Nonetheless, they all mean something personal to me. Enjoy!

Busy...

It's been a long time. The most I stay in front of my computer is when i am posting facebook notes..which by the way seems to be endless these days. Another thing that is keeping me busy is watching American Idol nth season, painting, coughing and just very recently, playing Wii - golf specifically.

Yeah I know, these are great excuses for someone who does relaxing thing when she is already relaxed to begin with. I think that I am having a vacation right now, really. I am glad though. I think that if only money does not matter and if only achievements are not measures of a good life...i think I am living the best life right now.

Well, aside from that, I have been investing a lot of time in prayer and instituting back my norms. I think the buoyant feeling I have now is mostly because of that.

I have had many topics visit and leave my thoughts now and I do regret not writing them...but I'd be back in my elements soon. Meanwhile, live a good life my friends!