Marriage

I did get married once... in marriage class back in College. I was appointed "bride" by my classmates as they figured I might never again get a chance to get married. Good thinking.

I have always been vocal about my hunch that I would never get married in this lifetime. And since I am a Catholic, I believe this is the only lifetime I have. I am ok with that. Until now.

But what if I do meet him? Will I know? Will he know? For once, after so long... I hope.

Will I be ready? Will he look at my figure? ;) Will he appreciate that I am just one of the "boys" but am really "just a girl"? Will he even notice? Will he laugh at my stories? Will he recognize my wisdom? Will he be intimidated? Will he look at other girls and say "no, I've found the one?"

Is he actually alive? Is he younger, older, my age? Will I be swept by his charms and ignore all else?

Will marriage work for me? Will we grow old together still telling stories of how we met and how we were afraid to tell each other how we felt in the beginning? Will his hands still feel cold when I hold it, too nervous and too happy to have found me? Will I feel his heartbeat pounding against my chest when we embrace because he is consumed by his love for me?

Will I feel cold when from a distance he stares at me? Will I feel warm when his arms wrap around me? Knowing all too well that anything can happen and I'd still be okay as long as he is with me? After a long marriage, will I still giggle at the sound of his voice? Will he still sing for me?

Will he work hard and look forward to everyday we continue to build our family but at the same time snatch me away from the routine once in a while and tell me not to care about the rest of the world for once?

Will I recognize the beat of his footsteps and the smell of his perfume long before I know he is even in the room?

Will he like me? Will he see through me? Will he be brave enough to love someone like me who seem not to need anyone? Will he be faithful? Will he make me want him and cry over him? Will he break my heart many times over in our years together? Will it matter?

Will we pray together? Will we love others together? Will he love me next to God?

Will I actually get married if I look at love this way?

There is a deep sense of longing in my heart right now. Suddenly I feel I do want to find love.... experience it's magic... risk the heartbreaks... and find my match.