Trying...

Each day, I sit down and reflect. Of course there are days when I tell myself I am not reflecting...I am justifying my state of life right now. I am telling myself that I am not lagging behind my age mates (which I am). I tell myself that i am in a job I want because I do not want pressure ( which is true - i do not have pressure - until I ask myself sometimes What the h_ll I am doing in this ditch #$%@! - and then start to pressure myself!). I tell myself I am finally making progress in spiritual life ( which never feels true because just when I am feeling all triumphant, I get in squabbles with someone over anything unimportant and totally send me spiralling out of track again). I tell myself..."So what if I am fat!" (Yeah right!). And then I tell myself that I know and focus on what is important. This, however, I cannot contradict because - indeed whatever I have, with the little that I have, I know are all important.

And then I start to calm down and feel reassured that life is not bad after all.

There is much in life that I understand...and much more that I don't. But I always try. Anyway, life is not static and it will never be. Things and events and decisions unfold continually and it will never reach it's full meaning until the end of life.


"All you who are tormented and afflicted, labouring beneath the burden of anxiety and desire, cast it aside by coming into me and I will refresh you, and your souls shall find the rest of which your desires rob you" - (Reflections: St. John of the Cross)