Patience

I am a very impatient person and I often find myself rudely interrupting, or making snide comments or making a face. So childish. I just could not control or escape some "character" defects I have and often I find myself in deep remorse. Mostly because, actually, I judged wrongly, understood things inaccurately or was just too impatient to find in my heart to understand and be considerate.

At other times, I am caught off guard without a witty, smart tirade to respond to a nasty comment that I find myself listlessly cooking things up that I should have said or I should have done...but was too late.

You guessed it right. Just now, I realized I am doomed either way. Either I'm remorseful or regretful. What a place to be, huh?

Being impatient is just one example. When I am greedy and selfish, I feel sorry for being that. At other times, I rebel and say "No, I deserve that! I should have that! I should have gotten more, etc". Regretful, Remorseful. I have loads of baggages.

One time, while at prayer, I asked God why He decided to make me when He already knows the many sins I will commit in my lifetime. Is He hoping against hope that I would actually make the respectable decision at the moment of choice? How much patience does He have for me? Will it be enough until I get this right? I asked Him fervently. At the same time asking forgiveness for sins that makes me squirm...and then telling Him I love Him though I don't know how. And He said, "It is for these moments of conversation, of union, of prayer that I made you." Then I realized, in part, why I am here... why I need to struggle...harder... although I may not live to see the day when I'm neither remorseful or regretful, I should try. I should ask help. I should bring to His feet my longing to end this vicious cycle. If only for that...I would have earned my keep.