Sadness

I have written about "Happiness" at least twice before and I tell you this is far fewer than what I would have intended. I am generally a seeker of happiness and is easily made happy by the simplest of things, e.g. the tip tap of the rain on my window when I wake up on a weekend, the smell of grass, the casual greeting from a friend, a small gesture of kindness, a nice formation of clouds in the sky.

However, the reason for my hiatus from blogging this past month was because of an almost unfamiliar feeling that enveloped my being... loneliness. If you read my blog, you'd know from previous posts why.

I woke up one morning to a news I did not like to hear (but would nonetheless survive) and BOOM! I was free falling to the abyss of gloom.

I was crying unceasingly. I was deeply hurt, in the heart - the kind of hurt that I thought was just being described figuratively , felt quite literal (cuts like a knife). I was often hard of breathing and simply could not lift my chin up. I was not in the mood to even pretend to be happy...my eyes would always give me away. I simply could not be cheerful. Suddenly, I was so afraid of the sky getting all gloomy for that Saturday rain. I felt it would worsen my already sordid mood. I was afraid of the dark, of being alone, of having nothing to do. However, I did not find brightness in light, company in friends and I was so lethargic to bring myself to do anything besides moping around and finding more and more reasons to be SAD.

Although unfamiliar and obviously destructive, I allowed my life to halt and dive. The circumstances were conducive to sadness as I was on holiday, had nothing to do and had no one to please. I explored the feeling amidst the fear of not being able to bounce back from it. I wrote poems after poems, article after article, letter after letter. That was all I did, write. I found writing as my solace in that dark avenue of hurt, struggle and uncertainty. I did not publish them because as I wrote on one of my poems ..." when I look back to this day, I would know that it was not me." Up till then, I refused to accept that I am SAD. I'd rather say that I went through sadness.

Now, this is done and dealt with and so I begin writing again. I discovered that much of my sadness came not from the "sad" part of my present reality but on the "fear" of what it holds for me as a consequence in the future, or sometimes the "regret" of my loss, or the "shame" of impression it will make on me. I guess what I am saying is that the "sad" part was never an isolated feeling...nor is it a feeling apart from my own selfish intentions. I tried to deny it in the beginning, camouflaging my intentions under the cloak of noble intentions...although it may be a part of it, the even larger part is simply because it will affect my ego.

Indeed, pride is the devil's greatest weapon. And as a friend said, the devil himself is sad and it gives him much joy to find us sad as well. Misery loves company.

I am moved to include in this article a quotation from one of my friends in Facebook... "Sadness is not measured by the tears you shed but by the number of smiles you faked". How succinct.