By the beginning of November, me and my bestfriend Jheng recalled last night, my journal has been popping out of its seams and is ready to burst with all the journaling I have been doing. Just a few more pages, we thought, and I'd be able to start with a new leather journal again. Of course I will finish this one off because its going to be Christmas soon and I have so many things planned out for me, the business and the family.
But to no avail, the pages allotted for the days that followed remained barren and lackluster. I've been BUSY. I hate the word. I know that it only means I have not been able to manage my time well and that things are piling up (like the papers at my left side as I type) unnecessarily. Or is it?
B-it off more than I could chew.
I have been managing the office since maybe late 2010 and now a year after and with 2 able staff by my side I thought I could do more. So I opened a travel agency after sometime of "studying". Lo and behold, just after I finished my course, our house help went for a vacation, one of my more able staff has decided she'd just float around for a while because she is emotionally too preoccupied. At the time I thought I could now begin to do something of my interest, I had to take care of the interest of everyone else's. I felt drowned by the concerns and yet swim I did: brushing the toilet bowl while I check on the office quotations, issue check, ask for tour operator accreditation, cook lunch, put the clothes in the line after laundry and managing to remember all the bills, insurance and business renewals that are due. Meanwhile my room's a mess, my skin's all red and my hair continue to gray.
U-seless worrying.
I tend to expect the worse outcome for whatever scenario. I worry before I do. Thus, I waste time unintentionally while I thoughtfully consider every possibility to address a worry that may never happen. I over prepare, I become too cautious, I act slow and decide even slower. I thread along a delicate line in a highway so to speak. I rarely just let things flow to where it should and my over maneuvering is being read by the the universe as KJ (kill joy) and maybe it gives up on me sometimes. Thus, the easy become difficult. The short process become long. Such is my nature.
S-elf justification
Having noted the first two, what I am doing now is publicly announcing how justified my poor time management is and that it is not entirely my fault. It was due to circumstances and human nature. These thoughts become soothing balm of relief when my nagging self emerges and blame me for papers left unattended or when canned food is served on the table for dinner.
Y-oung
Not youth. Young. I realized that not until my mum passed away have I trully aged. Not matured, just slowly aging and hopefully maturing. I did not realize there were so many levels to it till now. I used to just wake up, work, go home and rest. I felt important being able to buy what I want, deciding where I'd go or what to do. I felt all grown up because my clothes say so and because people outside believe what I say. In truth, I was a baby playing make believe until I start thinking of others.
I was inexperienced in being altruistic. I was inexprienced in looking out for others. I was inexperienced in living for others.
Honestly, at times I resent the role I have accepted...and maybe even sought. Oh Lord, how could you stand me? In my heart I account for all the help I give out and yet I feel like what I get is but my due. I feel all burnt out by the work I do and yet I do not show gratefulness for million other things that other people do for me without me even asking.
I feel drained because I thought I could love others with what love I have. But Lord, it is bound to fail. Supply me with your love oh Lord. Make me understand. Allow me to be used. Allow me to bend my knee as often times as needed to replenish my cup. Allow me to love with Your love.
Never make me BUSY again.
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