playing dead...

i've been in bed for two days now. this is the time of year when my asthma attacks and fever just seems to come charging along with it all the time.

i was reading a book that says :"take a moment to try to be still and think that you are dying, unable to do anything and surrender." "Oh", i said, " that should be easy. i've been doing that for years now." And so i went through the exercise and found out i could not keep still.

i could not keep still! despite my aching back, the coughing and dizziness, i couldn't keep still. what is so hard in that? despite my longing to have a long weekend plastered in bed i could not just stay put.

it must be my head.

i am a simple person who has all but myself to look after. I am not some big businessman with employees and loans and court cases to attend to. I have no children to dress up, ready for school, check-on every so often. so what is it that i am thinking about that prevents me from staying put?

i was thinking, i should be out working, i should be talking to this friend and that, i should be at the oktoberfest with my best buddies, i should be filing this and that, i should be ....

then i realized, i was thinking more of work and socializing than rest that's why i end up tired. whew!

so how does it feel to just play dead?

stressful.

i hope this is not how it is when it's my time to go. i hope i could say... "i surrender"

maybe i put too much value on what i can do. maybe i think im indispensable. maybe i still believe (as when i was a child) the world stops when i am not looking. maybe i ...

now i know i have to work on that.

after i'm well... as for now, i'll press RESTART and play dead again - less stress this time.
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"Be still, and know that I am God"