My Nanay

Phi, one of my best friends, once left a comment in my friendster account that as she looked at my pictures, she did not see me...but my mother. I realized it was inevitable.

Let me talk about Nanay.

I seldom talk about her because... somehow she has the talent of being there when she is not and being absent when she is present. To tell you honestly, I have better remembrance of my Apo in my childhood than that of Nanay. NO. This is not a bad thing...as I grew older, I recognized it is good. I learned to appreciate how she could make her influence and presence felt when she is not with me, and how she manages to forego all attention due her when we are around simply because we were her Stars.

Nay and I are not the best of friends. I would remember how much we would fight often until the time she just gave up on me and relaxed a bit. Of course it does not mean we lived in peace totally all of a sudden. I just felt that she already resigned herself from our squabbles.

What amazes me so much was that, whenever its Nanay's turn to reminisce, she just remembers the good stuff. The good that I do, or the things I achieved, or the many friends I have or the adventures I went for. She always seems so proud of me...ok, until we get to a point I say something bad and spoil her mood. Ahahahaha!

The thing with Mommy and me is that she is extra sensitive with me. Extra elated with my good behavior but at the same time, touchy with my not so good ones. I am sarcastic and indiscriminate with my comments sometimes, and it just surprises me how much little unguarded moments could cause her so much pain... and not to mention irritation.

As I write this, I could not help but chuckle on the fact that Nanay has always been a mixture of all that is good and bad in me. I guess that is simply because we are Mother and daughter. Its a complex relationship and I will leave it at that. The older I become, the more I accept this...I did not say understand...accept. I think this is how it is with Mom as well.

I have always said, when describing my mom and dad, that Tatay is more of a father than a husband, and my mom more of a wife than a mother. I could not say it any better.

Nowadays, she would always tell me she has no story to tell. I think what she is really saying is that we have kept her away from life to keep her boxed in things that pleases us without asking her how she feels about it.

Sometimes I hate how she always sacrifices for us. How she always thinks that she SHOULD sacrifice...that there is no way out...when there is. She just has to will it enough. But I guess she does not have the heart to inconvenience other people in her favor. What I hate the most....is that I know in most cases, I could be like her.

I have always attacked her on the idea that charity should begin at home. As I was growing up, I was so sure she is not following this creedo. But now that I am older, I am not sure. Sometimes, I hold up to that belief. Other times (and increasingly as the years go by), I just consider all of us in the house as ungrateful, selfish people oblivious of the quiet sacrifices Nanay has been pouring into the family.

That is how Nanay lives. Quietly. It is so hard to notice this at first because of the droves of people following her footsteps in any organization she joins. When I was younger I though she enjoyed the attention so much she kept coming back for more. But now, I realized, why wouldn't she? I realized I faulted her for all her human inclinations...and ignored all her angelic undertakings.

But she never budge. She went on with life as she should. She is hurt, attacked even -at home and its peripherals but she knew what was important and surges on. She may want to please us but she knew Who to please more....and to think I thought it was to please herself.

As I already said, Nanay and I are not the best of friends...and honestly, I regret that it is so...and I know it is completely my fault...and my loss. If I have not loved Nanay enough, it is because of my ignorance for beauty, insensitivity to need, and my inability to discriminate what is real from what is not.

I wish she does have more stories to tell now...I wish she would give herself the permission to go easy....I wish she will forgive herself for not pleasing everyone because of her purpose in life...I wish she would start being happy.

I love you Nanay...for what it's worth...I would never have learned to appreciate life more if not for the life you give up for us everyday. Mwah!