Believing in Eternity

I do not know how those who do not believe in Heaven and the reality of the after life cope with losing a loved one. The finality of loss and all for naught is something that I will not, cannot comprehend.

I often ask God for a chance to see where Nanay is right now, what she is doing, how she is. My faith tells me that she is fine and is having the time of her long eternal life! My faith sees Nanay seeing all her friends, the ones she prayed for and the Ones she prayed to in heaven. They would be singing, welcoming her and praising God for bringing her in. They would recount to her how she has made their journey so much more meaningful and safer because of her love and prayer. In the same way they would recount to her how they have been praying for her too. She must be basking in the Light that is God and smiling endlessly. She must be praying for us right now.

Nanay would have met Apo already. For the life of me, I know that Nanay did not stop praying for the soul of Apo to get to heaven till she died. I often see myself now as in the shoes of my Nanay when Apo died. She must have been just a bit older than me then and with four kids whom Apo helped her to raise. Her life must have changed then. She must have been totally devastated to have lost the one person who fought for her and protected her every minute of her life. She must have been really really sad and afraid and anxious. I did not notice. I was too young then although I imagine she must have comforted her sisters despite needing consolation herself.

The readings in the mass these days have been really meaningful to me. In most of the readings, they described heaven. During the Ascension, the readings told us of how long Jesus appeared to His disciples after He died and how He showed them how He Ascended to heaven. Taking in Jesus as God in the light of just Faith for the pillars of the church must have been really insufficient...not to mention how mere clays we all are, how the disciples were no more than us in strength of character before the holy spirit was given to them.

Also in one of the readings it was said that in heaven, souls would forget all their pain. I would like to claim and believe that for nanay as well. I hope she forgets and have no trace in her memory of how much love she was deprived of by the very people she hoped to get the love from. I hope her memory of her bitter past is erased. I pray that if she has ever been disappointed with us, her children, she'd be relieved of that too. I hope that she forgets the words that hurt her. Moreso, I hope she forgets the silence that left her feeling cold.

Nanay was not perfect ....but she knew that. She tried to make up for it the way she knows how. I am praying they were enough. I am praying that she be granted Mercy and that she be eternally happy.

I wish to see her and talk to her. I wish to tell her again how good I feel singing for the Lord because I learned that from her. I miss her. I miss how good it felt to embrace her...even if I seldom did.

Now, my heart and soul longs for something to see, to feel, to hear...Living in faith is a tough act to do - but Nanay taught me how. So, on as a pilgrim I go...