Nanay's Life

Of course I have to write about Nanay. I can only remember Nanay now. I cannot call her. I cannot go home to her. I am even hunted by the thought that I may never see her again if I do not make good in this life and end up in the opposite residence in the after life. Needless to say, I am afraid I may have lost her forever. Nonetheless, I am grateful for her life. Being her family, we were damn lucky.

During her wake, I realize how little I knew about Nanay. People who came to see her told me about her many activities. Who she prayed over for, a talk she gave, a funeral she attended, weddings she went to, friends she had, places she would have wanted to eat in. I could not name 90% of the people who came to the wake. But they knew nanay and nanay knew them. Nanay knew all my friends. I did not bother to know hers. I did not bother to share her passion for those people. I did not know she was praying for their pain and celebrating in their joys. Nanay could not talk about them with us because we always felt she was spreading herself too thinly...that she has no time for us. But she never really neglected us. She never neglected me. I neglected her. Even at her last moments, when I called her, she turned her head in attention and tried to look at me...one of her last voluntary actions. She turned to me.

Nanay often told me I'd miss massaging her feet, a task I always frown about. At her death bed, because the doctors were busy reviving her with the fib several times in the ICU, I was forced to stay by her feet. I caressed and rubbed it and remembered her words. Nanay often said that when she dies, only then would I appreciate her. It hurts to admit that she was right. Years of lecturing and still I did not get it. I went on with life unmindful of her and unaware of the great treasure we have at home, sitting in the corner or preparing our next meal.

When she died, I felt a surge of guilt, sadness and more guilt. I was never the good daughter. I was the feistiest one and the closest in resemblance to all her bad habits, but I was never the closest to her. If she had to worry about someone in the brood, she'd worry about me. But Nanay was always the comforter. Unexplainable peace flowed through me hours after her death. A feeling of being forgiven. A feeling of being relieved and understood and loved came over me. In God's mercy, I trust that indeed such is the case.

Nanay's life was her death and her death was her life. Let's just say that from the time I could remember, Nanay has been telling me of all the awful things I am feeling right now due to her loss. I thought at first this was her ploy to frighten me just so i'd be good. Now I understand, she knew what the end of days is and lived towards it all her life. She could only wish we do the same.

Nanay lived her life dying to herself everyday. She knew how little she could bring when she goes up to eternal life so she started dying to herself and living in others. I know for sure that people who went to grieve with us really grieved with us because mommy has shared so much of herself to them that most of them (if not all) owned a piece of her. A piece of her happiness, her smile, her complaints, her sadness, her wisdom, her worries...in all of us was Nanay. Stray pieces are still out there...many people requested us to bring nanay here and there so they could pay their last respects but we did not make the arrangements. Still, we appreciate their love.

I kept thinking of the "Tuesdays with Morrie" book of Mitch Albom during mommy's wake. I do not know if mom read the book but I sure could see she knew what it contains. She was a child, a sister, a woman, a teacher, a wife, a mother, a grand mother and an inspiration to many in her short life of 59 years. I could never be half the woman my mom was. I could only wish but she was a tough act to follow...and again, I do not know half the things she has done so ....

Mommy lived with the end in mind. What to me was a ploy for good behavior was her creedo. To die in God's presence and friendship. When she died, something in me knew that was all she wanted all along. She knows she could never be happier anywhere else. While praying to God and Mother Mary to take her hand and show her directions in heaven, an inspiration told me that Nanay already knew her way around.

She knew the signposts. She is finally home.