Your eyes

They say our eyes are the mirror of our soul. This moment is for a person who showed me this is not just another cliche.

I do not know her quite well and I cannot pretend to be an expert in her affairs. I am taking this moment probably to process my own feelings more than anybody else's.

In our first meeting, the moment I turned to her direction and caught her eyes, I immediately felt a deep sense of sadness even a sense of loss. In the absence of words , her eyes told me a story of hurt, emptiness, a fearful feeling of being lost and a deep longing to be found.

I believe you are familiar with the dementors in the Harry Potter series. This encounter was similar to that. Her deep sadness sapped the joy in me. I felt weak.

Several times during that meeting, I'd get lost in my spiels and had to stop as I was overtaken by the longing look in her eyes. Even if she was under the pretense of being indifferent, her eyes showed otherwise. It's as if she feels so incomplete, helpless and hopeless and is in dire need of a warm, loving hug. A cold, fearful little girl who is battling life's realities while she crumbles inside.

Something in me wanted to jump and give her the hug she needs and reassure her that all will be well - that there is hope and that being lonely is a state of mind and that God is good.

At the same time I felt fear. I was afraid to be drawn to her. Her brokenness, fears and feelings of insecurity are so profound that I believe it would be like filling up a bottomless pit.

I felt disturbed by how her eyes remained as a nagging call for help in my memory. But I am not in the position to help. With her, I felt that no one is. That people around should keep from rescuing her. She MUST want to be rescued. Otherwise, like rescuing a person who is drowning, there is always the probability of loosing the rescuer.

Also, at that moment, my own needs seem to surface. My need to be needed, to matter to another person. Is it her or is it just me feeling like i need to rescue the world again as if everything depended on me. My propensity to always come to the aid of someone even when it is not called for. Of giving more than what is needed. For this particular encounter, humility dictates that I step back and let her wallow in her pain... that i recognize that not everybody needs rescuing... especially when the battle is against one's self.

"God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change...
COURAGE to change the things I can and the
WISDOM to know the difference..."