Deception

I went to see a priest last Friday... and, not until an hour before which, did I realize I was really falling into depression. I was so lacking in energy. It is even difficult to raise my head. I pretended I'm ok long enough, I deceived myself.

If I were watching me, I would consider the concern that bothers me now as worthless. But it is different when the table is turned on you. The discomfort, the changes, the uncertainty that a dis"ease" can cause blurs the vision and all you see is your pitiful self. At which time, it is difficult to pray to a God that you believe sent you a "punishment".

Somehow, despite all the education from a Catholic school, I was not able to stop myself from thinking that. And I am glad I am wrong.

God cannot negate himself, I was told. He could not be all good and send bad things at the same time. He told me that problems, disease, calamities happen because of man's sins but it is not brought by God. It is an unfolding of a consequence. And the more evil happens because of man, the more man suffers what evil brings.

On the contrary, it is Him who accompanies us in dealing with our fate.

In summary, that is what I was told. And I believe.

Sometimes the most elementary of truths seem lost when we wallow in self-pity.

I am better now. I have gone back on track and finally lost taste of my deafening gripe about how bad this psoriasis is making me feel.

I learned that I am being deceived to believe this is what I should worry about : the way I would look, how people will treat me, my career in the future, what I lost and will loose. But these are not the realities we are here to face. All of these... what ever we have in terms of possessions or relationships are just illusions. It varies depending on how we look at it or take it in. The only truth is God. He is the only constant thing. All else are just illusions. Some makes us feel good, some makes us feel like dirt. But all of them are temporary, just passing by. I cannot hold on to it any longer than I would be alive.

So should I not waste time on people or things? I should make myself useful anyway. But for them to define me is another thing. I should mirror the truth as well and not be an instrument for more deception.