Short

My time in solitude these past days has allowed me to think about my life some more.... I don't know if it is healthy for me to beat myself up thinking how my life has turned out short of what I expected it to be but here goes....

I am a very idealistic person. I appreciate quiet time. I find joy in just sitting beside my brothers and sister and wonder how good God is to have blessed me with such a loving family. I marvel at sunrise and am amazed of the sunset. I appreciate small gestures of generosity and thoughfulness from people.

But when it comes to myself... I am always "not quite".

I envisioned myself to be an officer of some institution at 25. An executive at age 30. A millionaire at 35. And retired at 40. At which time, I will find time to go to the gym, teach , do charity work and travel the world. It never involved having children though. I guess it didn't go well with my vision of an uncluttered living room :) I guess I never believed I was cut out to be a mom.

But none of these is yet to happen. I am twenty-eight turning twenty-nine. I hopped from one profession to the other. In all of them, I left just when it's my turn to advance in the position. I did manage to increase my income and grow in experience, but basing on my previous and present posts, they do not give me leverage to later on assume a higher position elsewhere.

I am, to say the least, disappointed about myself.

I am disappointed not only because I am nowhere near where I wanted to be but most of all because I am at a point where I do not know what I want anymore. Looking back at what I believe in and the life I "think" I wanna lead, I do not see how they could have been accomplished. Somehow, I do not know who wanted what.

Looking back, I was not willing to work for a big paycheck or a big house anyway. I was busy focusing on simple things and shun myself from complexity and opulence. It wasn't me. My passion and my vision are not congruent so to speak. But at the same time, I envy people who have what i thought I'd want to have.

So what do I really want to happen then?

One thing is sure though: too much thinking is not doing me much good.

But then again, these little moments of disillusion inevitably come. I have to suffer the thought.

Come to think of it, I am tiring myself measuring myself up to ambitions that are not aligned to my ideals. If simplicity is what I want, I should not be jaded by unnecessary things. I should be ready to accept that it is my choice to be overtaken, left behind or by passed by others who have more drive, more sense of direction or more ambitious. I should be ready to gear myself up to a life of simple pleasures.

In other words, I should not ask more than what I am willing to give. I guess that's it. When I am ready to give more, then that is the only time I should ask for more. If I truly believe I am going to be happy living on less, then I should be prepared to kiss my grand ideals for a luxurious life goodbye.

Judging from how I have lived my life so far, I think I am more geared towards a life in the "barrio" anyway. But I was so in the business of proving myself to others using their yardstick, not mine.

I should allow myself to love myself in such a way that I could not disappoint myself. Did that make sense?

In my prayer time today, I realized I should wear my past like medals on the breast of a good soldier. And march forward to yet other battles ahead.

Yeah, that is what I should do. Instead of thinking I am marching towards the firing squad. ;)